The Mind Lab of Larry Snow|
Snoopy is gonna make me Bono-Rich!
You know how much money Bono has? Just think about it. That man owns half of Ireland I bet. I know I said I wouldn't make Snoopy pull the weight of a full grown man, but it looks like Bono is into dog carting too. With some of Bono's cash... well, Snoopy might have to endure a little pain.
(Posted at 6:06:35 PM EDT.)
When Snoopy Get's Big
All I'm saying is Sunday drives in the park, not for me of course though. I'm too big. But I'm not below selling good Snoopy's services to stray park children.
Who let the Dogs out!!!
(Posted at 5:39:57 PM EDT.)
If I taught my dog Snoopy to smoke, maybe John would write a song about that too, in addition to the song about the superlung.
Puff, puff. I love smoking dogs!
(Posted at 12:55:01 PM EDT.)
He's gotta have superlungs the way I see it. I hope to god he eventually writes his book on the secret of his lungs. I'd even be content if he just wrote a song about his superlungs on one of his albums.
John's Lung Site
(Posted at 12:42:09 PM EDT.)
I bought a dog.
I bought a dog just so I could call it Snoopy.
(Posted at 7:34:59 AM EDT.)
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
A good name for a dog is Snoopy.
(Posted at 04:06:54 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 20 - Post it Notes
Sometimes before a big sale, or just when I don't feel like working, which is a lot, I take two post it notes, draw an eyeball on each of them and then stick them over my own eyes. Although I really can't see through the post it notes, mainly because they are opaque, I still finds it puts me at rest and I can quickly fall asleep at work when I should be working. I can't tell you how many times employees have come in my office and thought I was awake because my post it note eyeballs were wide open.
(Posted at 01:27:10 AM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 19 - How to Make Firing Employees Easier
It is a really tough thing to fire employees. One thing I've found that makes it a little easier is sometimes to make a little joke. That is why when I fire employee I reach into my desk and pull out a toy cap gun and fire it in the air a couple times and then tell that employee that they are fired. I've also been known to use a Supersoaker also.
(Posted at 07:09:09 PM EDT.)
Wednesday, October 3, 2001
Marketing Theories 18 - The Rise and Fall of the Cosby Frozen Desert Empire
There is a lot to be learned from the fallen Pudding Pop Empire where marketing is concerned. Namely, where is it today? Other celebrity food products are still around, like Paul Newman's salad dressing. Personally when I attend an evening at the Olive Garden, I tell them to take their crap imitation dressing and stick it up their poopers and I whip out some of the real stuff, good ol' Mr. Newman which I use to spice up their salads Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid style. And you've gotta ask yourself, why is Paul Newman's product still around and Cosby's not? Because comedian styled food never sells. Who would dare touch Robin William's Pretzels or Roseanne Barr's Wonder Sliced Bread Loaf. Nobody. But people who aren't comedians, they can sell food products. Even things that help prepare food like the George Foreman grill. I've got 4 of em' myself, in green, blue, yellow and red Imac color.
(Posted at 10:23:38 AM EDT.)
Whatever happened to them? Did you notice they just disappeared? It's not like they weren't popular. I always suspected something fishy about them and Bill Cosby....
(Posted at 12:44:14 AM EDT.)
Saturday, September 15, 2001
Marketing Theories 17 - Lasiks
Some of the budget for my company is going to my Lasiks surgery. But I'm saving my company money by only having one eye done. Then I'm gonna wear a monocle.
(Posted at 09:07:26 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 16 - Tips from Redman
Redman keeps a shoe box filled with crumpled one dollar bills in his kitchen. Whenever Redman needs to pop over to the mini mart to get some Sour Patch Kids, Baseball Cards or a copy of the Wall Street Journal, he just reaches in to his shoebox and grabs some ones.
Link: Redman's Site
(Posted at 03:43:49 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 15 - Take time out to be creative
got to fartin,
and so she shit.
(Posted at 03:06:32 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 14 - Creepy Roy
I hired a Roy Orbison impersonator recently to sit in on perspective deals. Why? Cause Roy Orbison is one of the creepiest individuals ever. In the film footage for Pretty Woman, when he is standing there real static, and breaks his statuesque spell with that 'gggrrrroooww', it is Creepy Roy genius. The Creepy Roy who works for me similarly intimidates my clients like midnight coffins to the graveyard.
(Posted at 04:02:00 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 12 - Molten Lava Ashtrays
With all E-commerce now bust, I see a future once again in exotic 1950's room decor. Besides war bonds and Todd McFarlane Toys, Molten Lava Ashtrays are some of the wisest investments you can make.
Making the Lava Ashtrays
John, Ashtray and Newspaper: I don't think John has a lava ashtray here, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't think about getting one. QUIT PONDERING USA TODAY'S COVERAGE ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHINA CRISIS JOHN AND GO OUT AND BUY, BUY, BUY MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS WILL SOON BE WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE AND THAT USA TODAY IS PACKED WITH NOTHING BUT LIES, LIES, LIES
(Posted at 01:06:39 AM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 11 - Cavities
Big cavities in your mouth are sure to mean "no sale" when trying to rope in perspective buyers. I'm talking about the nasty ones that look like black bugs on the front of your teeth. When your clients see little black dots of rot on what you now pronounce your 'teef' (because you will have invariably lost some by this point), they will NOT think you've been pretending you were a reptile scarfing down beetles by the bug zapper, but that you desperately need to pay the dentist a visit. If perspective buyer's minds are filled with phantasms of lizards and men molesting nurses, they will not focus on what you are saying and you will not make the sale. A rich Spaniard once said, "My pearly whites have brought me more riches than all the Indians I ripped off in the Americas."
Think No Cavities
A Goth Girl called Decay - Have her friends nicknamed her Decay because she's got a mouth full of rotting teeth? We can't know for sure because she isn't smiling.
Another Goth Girl called Hand. Why's she called Hand? Funny, the only thing I call 'hand' is my hand.
(Posted at 01:12:51 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 10B - Chinese Food
I wonder though, if we sell arms to Taiwan and start a cold war with China, will Americans still be allowed to eat at Chinese Restaurants? It is a good question isn't it. This spy plane thing already set back the international restaurant business about ten years. This is what really concerns me about the White House's new isolationist policies, not how it will affect the stock market (I have most of my money in War Bonds and they never go bad just like Tac), but how it will affect the my eating. At least my favourite Chinese Restaurant by the New Mall in Salisbury is on top of the game though. I was over there the other day and they had a big banner in there that said, "We can't fly, but we can cook." Food with a helping of diplomacy.
(Posted at 03:52:26 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 10 - Cheatar, the God of Cheating
Don't fret over the rules of engagement when your god of business is Cheatar.
(Posted at 02:56:40 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 9 - Hitting the Jackpot
My own life and blood mother had a premonition the other day eating while Chinese Food that she was going to win the lottery, so she accordingly went to Royal Farms Market and bought three lottery tickets. Just as long as she doesn't start saying, "This is the best Chinese Food I've ever had". My grandma' (my mom's mom) says that at every single meal nowadays, especially when it is KFC to-go.
(Posted at 12:20:45 AM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 8 - How to spend your evenings
I often just spend a big marketing night just shittin-in cooking up ideas. I get a can of beans, eat them and let biology smoke those ideas like bees out of my mind.
(Posted at 05:05:52 PM EST.)
Marketing Theories 7: Test Drive - The Movie
When you decide to make a movie, make sure you have a big company who you can advertise for and can in turn sponsor the project. That is why I picked Texaco for "Test Drive - The Movie". "Test Drive - The Movie" is about gas attendant Jesse Cobb who works at Texaco Gas Station (notice, Texaco are my advertisers!). One day, a woman in a mini-van gets full service. Jesse goes out to assist her and starts to fill up her car. All the sudden a group of collapsible scooter hooligans armed with slingshots race through the lot. They start firing their slingshots and Jesse gets hit, falls and pulls the gas pump down with him. Gasoline starts to pour all over him. The woman who owns the mini van gets out and is revealed to be a 20 year old red head knockout. She starts to squeal at which point the gang of collapsible scooter hooligans return and start to paw at her. She squeals some more. What the scooter gang doesn't know though is that the night before a group of woodland animals including mice, beaver and bats came by the gas pump which is now covering Jesse in gas and enchanted it. This portion of the movie, the enchanting of the gas that is, will probably have to be put before scooter fight so audiences aren't confused. Because it is enchanted magical gas, Jesse Cobb suddenly transforms into Automobile Man and beats up the collapsible scooter gang. He picks one of them up and throws them into a Mexican Restaurant across the street. The scooter driver flies through a window and into the kitchen where one of the Chef goes, "Es el scooter burrito!" and throws a flour burrito on the guy with the scooter. I thought this part of the movie would be insanely hilarious. That night Jesse and the red head, make sweet love soft core style. Lots of soft focuses. As a token of their love, Jesse gives, the red head, whose name is Valerie, a VHS copy of Mulan (cause all girls like Disney movies) and Texaco snow shaky bubble thing. In this scene I have brought the advertising full circle, by once again entering Texaco into the picture, just like Mission Impossible did with Apple. Maybe even Disney would give the movie a sponsor too.
(Posted at 07:57:33 AM EST.)
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
Marketing Theories 6 - Don't use POVs to market your next product.
POVs are really bad to try and market your product with. I tried to integrate a couple into a power point presentation I was doing for Spiral Notebooks in the mid-90s once, but my 386 Wang Couldn't handle it. POVs take too damn long to load, and the people who make them usually don't have too much of a life; cause they never make POVs of anything interesting like 20 dollars whores Roman Showering one another. The POV artist usually sticks to the more mundane.
Picture: Somebody knocked over my POV glass of water.
(Posted at 08:47:40 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 5 - Water
Make sure you are always hydrated. Drink lots of water.
Picture: My Favorite Drinking Hole
(Posted at 08:35:39 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 4 - Self Defence
The other day I was coming home from work and this rubberneck jumped out the bushes and scared me something fierce. Man did I ever have a case of the screaming memmies. Luckily though I had my Kubaton Key Defence with me and I gave him a hearty whack to the skull cap to deter him from doing it again. Now if this or a similar event had of happened to most people, they would just let this go there. Maybe at most they'd complain to neighbourhood watch about the crap job they were doing, or they'd tell the tale to their friends at cocktail parties to make it sound like they led dangerous lives. I on the other hand decided to take my experiences and turn them from trauma, to cash. So I'm making a self defence video. It is gonna be good too. I'm thinking about having a re-enactment of the other evening's event in it too. I mean I realise now the guy was only a UPS worker. Still he shouldn't have been in a brown suit when he went to retrieve that box he dropped in the bushes. Bank robbers wear brown suits just like that. I've seen it with my own two eyes on TV. But the nice thing is we change the UPS thing when we make the video. Well give him a stocking over the head, a 15 inch bowie knife and a pirate hook hand. That is the amazing thing about working in the medium of media, it is a forum that allows its manipulators a great deal of flexibility in many different directions. I'd also like to use a Silverchair song in the video. Well have to see about that though.
(Posted at 07:50:45 AM EST.)
Tuesday, January 30, 2001
Tin - Marketing Theories 3
What is made out of tin? Tin cans? No, they are made out of aluminum. That joke gets me every time, and it got me again today. This set my mind to thinking. Tin isn't used for anything. They don't make cans out of tin or planes out of tin anymore like the "Tin Goose". Tin is a forgotten metal. But what if Tin could be rediscovered like Marky Mark was rediscovered, but instead of using it in movies with George Clooney it was used for making stuff like tin cups, or "real tin" soda cans or even tin shoes? Heck they could even make little tin George Clooney statues like those Statues of Libertys that they sell in NY. Tourist eat that stuff up. Think about out, for I see a future, a future of tin.
(Posted at 10:08:11 PM EST.)
Marketing Theory of Calculator Watches
The key to being able to do lots of market theories quick and efficiently is to own a calculator watch. I have two, the one I wear and a spare one in I keep in a mason jar just in case my other one breaks. It is just like an emergency cigar. If my calculator watch on my wrist breaks, I grab the mason jar and smash it against the photocopying machine in the room across hall (never smash glass objects in your room, it is a good way to cut your feet) and then Walla, I'm good to go.
(Posted at 10:15:56 PM EST.)
Saturday, January 27, 2001
Marketing Theories 2.B
They beat you in Mexican Jail.
(Posted at 12:41:26 PM EST.)
Saturday, January 27, 200
Marketing Theories 2.A
Although... it isn't to wise to do this in Mexico, say around November 17th or so, and wind up in a bar fight. Spending the holidays in a Mexican Jail can be almost as bad as mixing moonshine, castor oil and a stomach full of baby carrots and greasy bacon together while you lean your head on the microwave in hopes of gaining X-Ray Vision. Either or is an acutely painful experience.
(Posted at 11:31:54 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 2
Start drinking at 10 AM Saturday Morning. You'll find your best ideas come to you on the weekends and even better ones come to you when they've had a chance to ferment under the influence.
(Posted at 11:23:08 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 1
I'm in the process of developing some new marketing theories in marketing. First off, be sure to pronounce "marketing" correctly. If you don't, you'll get unwanted laughs. When one says "marketing" they have to be sure to put extra stress and power behind the "k". You don't want to say "marcet". That sounds stupid. Nor do you want to say, "Markitty". That's pretty stupid too, if not stupider. So just say "marketing" and stress that "k". Make it sound as big and tall as a skyscraper and you'll be sure to get sales.
(Posted at 01:38:15 PM EST.)
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
If you put a wasp in the microwave and turn it on...
...it won't live. Doing acts like this is putting yourself on path to being a dirty Goth and listening to Maryland Mason.
(Posted at 04:24:42 PM EST.)
Tuesday, November 14, 2000
I was in the lounge kitchen today and it occurred to me that maybe I should rip out a bunch of my pubic hair and throw it on the stove burner. I heated up the burner, gathered a bundle of loose pubs and did just that. The pubic hair melted. It smelled a bit funny too.
(Posted at 07:04:26 PM EST.)
I shit so hard, I think I blew out a piece of my spinal cord. Man.
(Posted at 05:09:07 PM EST.)
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Good googa mooga! This is the type of thing I need to get into.
(Posted at 03:55:23 PM EDT.)
Monday, September 18, 2000
Site for Monday
Link: Clear Eyes
(Posted at 09:39:56 PM EDT.)
Need some drops. For Red Eyes, use Clear Eyes.
(Posted at 09:38:42 PM EDT.)
Friday, September 15, 2000
And right after breakfast too...
But what a way to wake up!
(Posted at 10:07:29 AM EDT
I'm so immature.
(Posted at 10:06:35 AM EDT.)
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Civil Unrest and Art
Civil unrest sure does make for good oil paintings though, so I will turn the tables on the potentially impending gas shortage and make art. It won't be art for art's sake either I'll be producing, but art for civil unrest's sake. Rage Agianst the Machine will surely want to use my painting for their next album cover. I will paint a riot at BP with a bunch of people fighting each other with boards that have nails driven through them. I'll also throw a couple angry laid off Food Lion workers flipping over abandoned cars in the parking lot behind the BP. I can see the picture in on the blank canvas before me... the rioter angry howls and the Food Lion worker's anguished hollers.
(Posted at 07:44:45 PM EDT.)
Welcome to Larry Snow's Mind Lab
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Come visit my Mind Lab. It will be updated regularly by my mind. At some point, I will write up my biography and feature it here. That is also from my mind.
- Larry Snow