Larry Snow's Homepage

LARRY SNOW World Diplomat

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This Page was Updated on November 27, 1998 This page belongs to me. Hello. >From time to time I update This Page with things that strike my fancy. This can be anything from Editorials, Future Events, Solicitation, my own testimonies of faith, Art, etc., etc. Be sure to check it out for the latest.

FUTURE HORIZONS AT CHOOK INDUSTRIES:

Chook Ind. Ltd. is currently in the process of is looking into setting up porn email accounts. What this will entail we are not sure at the moment. But be on the lookout!

EDITORIAL FOR OCTOBER

I don't like Comedy Central. It is not funny. I am not sure why, but it isn't. However, I do feel that if Comedy Central picked up Chook TV then maybe, just maybe their lame network could be saved. Calling all Comedy Central Associates, Friends, Family and Neighbors, THIS IS A CHALLENGE. If you are a member of Comedy Central Associates, I suggest you contact me as soon as possible so that I can save your lame ass. To show my unadulterated hatred for Comedy Central I am making a Comedy Central Hate Page. Till next time.

Editorial For November The other day was Thanksgiving. I'm not to into this family bullhockey - what I like to do is throw my own Turkey Day the day after and invite all Chook Industries, my true family, to my big backyard for a little something I like call the "Turkey Blast". At Turkey Blast we take any big bird and throw it right into a big grill. We roast the hell out of the bird. We always try to kill a Turkey but I don't think they live around here. For the past couple of years we have been going over to the State Park right by our current local here at Chook Industries. We tear over to the park, nicely liquored up in our pick-ups, and give those rangers a good scare when we start firing our rifles just about midnight. Like I said I've never seen a real turkey around here, maybe they don't come out at dark either. But we always get us a bird or maybe one of those fat geese from the old peoples home. This year we got a true prize of a bird, a real Peacock. This Peacock has been wandering around our town for years, no one knows why. Maybe somebody had a farm or something years ago and he escaped. This Peacock had sort of become a town symbol of strangness but we put an end to it when we shot his ass. Hell I don't even think the Peacock is an American bird and therefore it deserves to be killed. A couple of years back we got us a couple of those prairie dogs or prairie dog looking things and made a stew. That was fun. We didn't eat the stew usually, cause it smelled so horrible. Maybe is was all that beer and woodchippings that people kept stuffing' in the kettle. However woodchipping don't stink, I thought they smelled pretty good. Anyway once the stew was done we just dumped it in the neighbors yard cause he's a bastard. We put the prairie dog stew under that his deck. It was the grandest thing watching him trying to figure out was stinking so bad some four weeks later. We didn't get any prairie critters this year but we did get us a baby deer and and I think that will fit nicely in his mailbox. Maybe we'll just wedge it under his car after of course we bounce it's carcass off the hood a couple time to scratch up the paint finish. So anyway we grill the shit out of this Turkey at Turkey Blast. Then we cover the Turkey in kerosene at one point and tie it to a rope. We then begin spinning the flaming turnkey and throw it at various people in various directions. We call this game Dodge the Turkey Blast. Last year we hit Jim pretty good in the head cause he thought he was too good for the game eating hot-dogs off by himself. Bastard, I bet he will play this year.

* Note by Jim Shooter: The following did NOT see print "The Lone Star Daily". At this point there is speculation if "The Lone Star Daily" Exists. According to Larry himself "The Lone Star Daily" does exist - or was claimed to exist. Larry submitted this editorial to it in May of 1998 and the original manuscript was never returned. In his own words Larry call's it "The Lone Star Conspiracy". Because it was never printed, Larry attempted to reproduce his editorial here. The editorial concerns his brother Frank, as well as his views on time travel and weight loss... among other things. What you see below is merely a reproduction compiled by Larry on Nov. 23, 1998.
Jim Shooter

- To Lone Star Daily sometime May, 1998-

From the honorable Lawrence Snow... A concerned American and ruler of the glorious Chook empire

Hello America, how have you been? I would like to talk to you today regarding my brother, Frank Snow. On a visit back home to the wonderful land I call Texas, my brother seems to have gotten into some trouble with the law. I can not go into specifics, but let's just say that he might have trouble raising a bourbon glass now, considering he does not have a right arm. Anyhow, I would like to commend the United States border patrol on doing what they thought was their sworn civic duty. Anyway, I was thinking that Frank could have avoided much of his newfound trouble if he had just learned a bit more about time travel. Yes, time travel, science fiction brought to an eerie life by a man named Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein for those of you who might not know was not an American. He was from a strange land full of dictators and sausages known in America as Germany. Bert (as he liked to be called) was probably a communist. He got kicked out of his country because he could not do a push up. Yes sir, in Germany you have to be strong. But anyway, Bert did not want to do push ups and get big like we are here in America. He wanted to be European, small and fragile, with long hair. He left his homeland and came to America. Here Bert met Sir Isaac Newton and asked him how to make nuclear explosives. Sir Isaac Newton told him that he didn't know and that Bert should go to visit Manhattan. During his travels Bert read many books with strange and exotic knowledge contained within. When he finally arrived, Bert made a homemade nuclear device out of some kryptonite and an old television set. Then he got a
job working with the government. What this has to do with time travel I am not sure, but Bert came up with a formula we know as the theory of relativity. This makes time travel possible. I have been reading extensively on this formula lately and unfortunately, the writings must have been translated from some foreign Germanic language because none of it made any sense to me. However a good professor buddy of mine at the proud Texas school of Texas A&M explained the formula to me (he speaks German) and revealed the creepy secrets of the ancients. He told me that when I went faster than the speed of light, time would slow down and I would become the young strapping Larry of yore once again. However I would also become infinitely heavy, like the gentleman on the Jerry Springer show yesterday. This got me thinking. How could I go that fast? I told my friend that my Ford could do one-fifty but he said that was not fast enough. So now I had to use my superhuman powers of logic. The German books weren't written in good English and Adolph Hitler had stolen Bert's only time machine. So what was a man to do? I decided to watch all of the "Back to the Future" movies and have Lester take notes. That did not help much because when I asked Lester to see the notes all he handed me was a bunch of paper with pictures of circles and zig-zagging lines. I guess Lester can't read American, or maybe that is his crazy exotic un-American language. Anyway he is fired. But before I fired him, I remembered the doctor's secret time travel device... the flux compacitor. Let me just take the time to say now that I was very impressed with the doctor's knowledge of the German language, it must have been very difficult to learn when he was a drug-sniffing hippie driving a taxi. Anyway, the doctor discovered the secret to time travel when he fell and hit his head in the bathroom. I considered doing this too, but I have a company to run and must be alert at all times. So I decided that Lester would discover the secret, and as an employee of Chook he would have to tell me. So I told Lester that his paycheck was
in the toilet, and to go get it. When he went in I slammed his head into the side of the seat. Boy oh boy, was he mad. He said that he was going to take me to court and put me in jail, but I told him that if he did that I would fire him and he would not have a single American dollar. Heh heh heh, match goes to Mr. Snow. So I asked Lester what secrets he discovered about time travel, and he said his head just hurt a lot. Then I told him to go build a flux compacitor in my car and not to change any of the radio stations to that hooka-bookah music. About one hour later I heard an explosion. I went outside and Lester had lit himself on fire. Obviously he did not understand the intricacies and subtle nuances of time travel as well as I had thought. I was so mad I said "Lester you are fired!" and Lester ran off to go jump in the pool. It occurred to me that I had already fired Lester once that day and I couldn't have fired him twice. I guess I went back in time, and I will tell you what, it is nothing like the movie. But I knew I went back through time because I became infinitely heavy. So what is the moral of this story? Never go back in time, because Germans do. Also, if you have a proud Texas-sized girth to you like me, you might be a time traveler. I am sure that the girl down at the 7-11 is, because she is 250 lb. of prime Newport smokin' all-Texas woman. Man, I am hungry.
-Lone Star, Nov 23, 1998-

A Testimony Cutting Logs I cut logs every year I cut logs and drink beer I cut birch and I cut oak I cut logs it ain't no joke swinging my ax drunk on beer I cut logs every year L.S. 1998

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