The Mind Lab of Larry Snow
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Snoopy
A good name for a dog is Snoopy.
(Posted at 04:06:54 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 20 – Post it Notes
Sometimes before a big sale, or just when I don't feel like working, which is a lot, I take two post it notes, draw an eyeball on each of them and then stick them over my own eyes. Although I really can't see through the post it notes, mainly because they are opaque, I still finds it puts me at rest and I can quickly fall asleep at work when I should be working. I can't tell you how many times employees have come in my office and thought I was awake because my post it note eyeballs were wide open.
(Posted at 01:27:10 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 19 - How to Make Firing Employees Easier
It is a really tough thing to fire employees. One thing I've found that makes it a little easier is sometimes to make a little joke. That is why when I fire employee I reach into my desk and pull out a toy cap gun and fire it in the air a couple times and then tell that employee that they are fired. I've also been known to use a Supersoaker also.
(Posted at 07:09:09 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 18 - The Rise and Fall of the Cosby Frozen Desert Empire
There is a lot to be learned from the fallen Pudding Pop Empire where marketing is concerned. Namely, where is it today? Other celebrity food products are still around, like Paul Newman's salad dressing. Personally when I attend an evening at the Olive Garden, I tell them to take their crap imitation dressing and stick it up their poopers and I whip out some of the real stuff, good ol' Mr. Newman which I use to spice up their salads Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid style. And you've gotta ask yourself, why is Paul Newman's product still around and Cosby’s not? Because comedian styled food never sells. Who would dare touch Robin William’s Pretzels or Roseanne Barr's Wonder Sliced Bread Loaf. Nobody. But people who aren't comedians, they can sell food products. Even things that help prepare food like the George Foreman grill. I've got 4 of em' myself, in green, blue, yellow and red Imac color.
(Posted at 10:23:38 AM EDT.)
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Pudding Pops
Whatever happened to them? Did you notice they just disappeared? It's not like they weren't popular. I always suspected something fishy about them and Bill Cosby....
(Posted at 12:44:14 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 17 - Lasiks
Some of the budget for my company is going to my Lasiks surgery. But I'm saving my company money by only having one eye done. Then I'm gonna wear a monocle.
(Posted at 09:07:26 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 16 - Tips from Redman
Redman keeps a shoe box filled with crumpled one dollar bills in his kitchen. Whenever Redman needs to pop over to the mini mart to get some Sour Patch Kids, Baseball Cards or a copy of the Wall Street Journal, he just reaches in to his shoebox and grabs some ones.
Link: Redman's Site
(Posted at 03:43:49 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 15 - Take time out to be creative
A Poem
Dolly Parton
got to fartin,
couldn't quit
and so she shit.
(Posted at 03:06:32 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 14 - Creepy Roy
I hired a Roy Orbison impersonator recently to sit in on perspective deals. Why? Cause Roy Orbison is one of the creepiest individuals ever. In the film footage for Pretty Woman, when he is standing there real static, and breaks his statuesque spell with that 'gggrrrroooww', it is Creepy Roy genius. The Creepy Roy who works for me similarly intimidates my clients like midnight coffins to the graveyard.
(Posted at 04:02:00 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 12 - Molten Lava Ashtrays
With all E-commerce now bust, I see a future once again in exotic 1950's room decor. Besides war bonds and Todd McFarlane Toys, Molten Lava Ashtrays are some of the wisest investments you can make.
Making the Lava Ashtrays
John, Ashtray and Newspaper: I don't think John has a lava ashtray here, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't think about getting one. QUIT PONDERING USA TODAY'S COVERAGE ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHINA CRISIS JOHN AND GO OUT AND BUY, BUY, BUY MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS WILL SOON BE WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE AND THAT USA TODAY IS PACKED WITH NOTHING BUT LIES, LIES, LIES
(Posted at 01:06:39 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 11 - Cavities
Big cavities in your mouth are sure to mean "no sale" when trying to rope in perspective buyers. I'm talking about the nasty ones that look like black bugs on the front of your teeth. When your clients see little black dots of rot on what you now pronounce your 'teef' (because you will have invariably lost some by this point), they will NOT think you've been pretending you were a reptile scarfing down beetles by the bug zapper, but that you desperately need to pay the dentist a visit. If perspective buyer's minds are filled with phantasms of lizards and men molesting nurses, they will not focus on what you are saying and you will not make the sale. A rich Spaniard once said, "My pearly whites have brought me more riches than all the Indians I ripped off in the Americas."
Think No Cavities
A Goth Girl called Decay - Have her friends nicknamed her Decay because she's got a mouth full of rotting teeth? We can't know for sure because she isn't smiling.
Another Goth Girl called Hand. Why's she called Hand? Funny, the only thing I call 'hand' is my hand.
(Posted at 01:12:51 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 10B - Chinese Food
I wonder though, if we sell arms to Taiwan and start a cold war with China, will Americans still be allowed to eat at Chinese Restaurants? It is a good question isn't it. This spy plane thing already set back the international restaurant business about ten years. This is what really concerns me about the White House's new isolationist policies, not how it will affect the stock market (I have most of my money in War Bonds and they never go bad just like Tac), but how it will affect the my eating. At least my favourite Chinese Restaurant by the New Mall in Salisbury is on top of the game though. I was over there the other day and they had a big banner in there that said, "We can't fly, but we can cook." Food with a helping of diplomacy.
(Posted at 03:52:26 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 10 - Cheatar, the God of Cheating
Don't fret over the rules of engagement when your god of business is Cheatar.
(Posted at 02:56:40 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 9 - Hitting the Jackpot
My own life and blood mother had a premonition the other day eating while Chinese Food that she was going to win the lottery, so she accordingly went to Royal Farms Market and bought three lottery tickets. Just as long as she doesn't start saying, "This is the best Chinese Food I've ever had". My grandma' (my mom's mom) says that at every single meal nowadays, especially when it is KFC to-go.
(Posted at 12:20:45 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 8 - How to spend your evenings
I often just spend a big marketing night just shittin-in cooking up ideas. I get a can of beans, eat them and let biology smoke those ideas like bees out of my mind.
(Posted at 05:05:52 PM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 7 Test Drive - The Movie;
When you decide to make a movie, make sure you have a big company who you can advertise for and can in turn sponsor the project. That is why I picked Texaco for "Test Drive - The Movie". "Test Drive - The Movie" is about gas attendant Jesse Cobb who works at Texaco Gas Station (notice, Texaco are my advertisers!). One day, a woman in a mini-van gets full service. Jesse goes out to assist her and starts to fill up her car. All the sudden a group of collapsible scooter hooligans armed with slingshots race through the lot. They start firing their slingshots and Jesse gets hit, falls and pulls the gas pump down with him. Gasoline starts to pour all over him. The woman who owns the mini van gets out and is revealed to be a 20 year old red head knockout. She starts to squeal at which point the gang of collapsible scooter hooligans return and start to paw at her. She squeals some more. What the scooter gang doesn't know though is that the night before a group of woodland animals including mice, beaver and bats came by the gas pump which is now covering Jesse in gas and enchanted it. This portion of the movie, the enchanting of the gas that is, will probably have to be put before scooter fight so audiences aren't confused. Because it is enchanted magical gas, Jesse Cobb suddenly transforms into Automobile Man and beats up the collapsible scooter gang. He picks one of them up and throws them into a Mexican Restaurant across the street. The scooter driver flies through a window and into the kitchen where one of the Chef goes, "Es el scooter burrito!" and throws a flour burrito on the guy with the scooter. I thought this part of the movie would be insanely hilarious. That night Jesse and the red head, make sweet love soft core style. Lots of soft focuses. As a token of their love, Jesse gives, the red head, whose name is Valerie, a VHS copy of Mulan (cause all girls like Disney movies) and Texaco snow shaky bubble thing. In this scene I have brought the advertising full circle, by once again entering Texaco into the picture, just like Mission Impossible did with Apple. Maybe even Disney would give the movie a sponsor too.
(Posted at 07:57:33 AM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 6 - Don't use POVs to market your next product.
POVs are really bad to try and market your product with. I tried to integrate a couple into a power point presentation I was doing for Spiral Notebooks in the mid-90s once, but my 386 Wang Couldn't handle it. POVs take too damn long to load, and the people who make them usually don't have too much of a life; cause they never make POVs of anything interesting like 20 dollars whores Roman Showering one another. The POV artist usually sticks to the more mundane.
Picture: Somebody knocked over my POV glass of water.
(Posted at 08:47:40 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 5 - Water
Make sure you are always hydrated. Drink lots of water.
Picture: My Favorite Drinking Hole
(Posted at 08:35:39 AM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 4 - Self Defence
The other day I was coming home from work and this rubberneck jumped out the bushes and scared me something fierce. Man did I ever have a case of the screaming memmies. Luckily though I had my Kubaton Key Defence with me and I gave him a hearty whack to the skull cap to deter him from doing it again. Now if this or a similar event had of happened to most people, they would just let this go there. Maybe at most they'd complain to neighbourhood watch about the crap job they were doing, or they'd tell the tale to their friends at cocktail parties to make it sound like they led dangerous lives. I on the other hand decided to take my experiences and turn them from trauma, to cash. So I'm making a self defence video. It is gonna be good too. I'm thinking about having a re-enactment of the other evening's event in it too. I mean I realise now the guy was only a UPS worker. Still he shouldn't have been in a brown suit when he went to retrieve that box he dropped in the bushes. Bank robbers wear brown suits just like that. I've seen it with my own two eyes on TV. But the nice thing is we change the UPS thing when we make the video. Well give him a stocking over the head, a 15 inch bowie knife and a pirate hook hand. That is the amazing thing about working in the medium of media, it is a forum that allows its manipulators a great deal of flexibility in many different directions. I'd also like to use a Silverchair song in the video. Well have to see about that though.
(Posted at 07:50:45 AM EST.)
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Tin - Marketing Theories 3
What is made out of tin? Tin cans? No, they are made out of aluminum. That joke gets me every time, and it got me again today. This set my mind to thinking. Tin isn't used for anything. They don't make cans out of tin or planes out of tin anymore like the "Tin Goose". Tin is a forgotten metal. But what if Tin could be rediscovered like Marky Mark was rediscovered, but instead of using it in movies with George Clooney it was used for making stuff like tin cups, or "real tin" soda cans or even tin shoes? Heck they could even make little tin George Clooney statues like those Statues of Libertys that they sell in NY. Tourist eat that stuff up. Think about out, for I see a future, a future of tin.
(Posted at 10:08:11 PM EST.)
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Marketing Theory of Calculator Watches
The key to being able to do lots of market theories quick and efficiently is to own a calculator watch. I have two, the one I wear and a spare one in I keep in a mason jar just in case my other one breaks. It is just like an emergency cigar. If my calculator watch on my wrist breaks, I grab the mason jar and smash it against the photocopying machine in the room across hall (never smash glass objects in your room, it is a good way to cut your feet) and then Walla, I'm good to go.
(Posted at 10:15:56 PM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 2.B
They beat you in Mexican Jail.
(Posted at 12:41:26 PM EST.)
Marketing Theories 2.A
Although... it isn't to wise to do this in Mexico, say around November 17th or so, and wind up in a bar fight. Spending the holidays in a Mexican Jail can be almost as bad as mixing moonshine, castor oil and a stomach full of baby carrots and greasy bacon together while you lean your head on the microwave in hopes of gaining X-Ray Vision. Either or is an acutely painful experience.
(Posted at 11:31:54 AM EST.)
Marketing Theories 2
Start drinking at 10 AM Saturday Morning. You'll find your best ideas come to you on the weekends and even better ones come to you when they've had a chance to ferment under the influence.
(Posted at 11:23:08 AM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 1
I'm in the process of developing some new marketing theories in marketing. First off, be sure to pronounce "marketing" correctly. If you don't, you'll get unwanted laughs. When one says "marketing" they have to be sure to put extra stress and power behind the "k". You don't want to say "marcet". That sounds stupid. Nor do you want to say, "Markitty". That's pretty stupid too, if not stupider. So just say "marketing" and stress that "k". Make it sound as big and tall as a skyscraper and you'll be sure to get sales.
(Posted at 01:38:15 PM EST.)
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If you put a wasp in the microwave and turn it on...
...it won't live. Doing acts like this is putting yourself on path to being a dirty Goth and listening to Maryland Mason.
(Posted at 04:24:42 PM EST.)
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Pubic Stove
I was in the lounge kitchen today and it occurred to me that maybe I should rip out a bunch of my pubic hair and throw it on the stove burner. I heated up the burner, gathered a bundle of loose pubs and did just that. The pubic hair melted. It smelled a bit funny too.
(Posted at 07:04:26 PM EST.)
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Spinal Shit
I shit so hard, I think I blew out a piece of my spinal cord. Man.
(Posted at 05:09:07 PM EST.)
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NanoTechnology
Good googa mooga! This is the type of thing I need to get into.
Link: Nanotechnology
(Posted at 03:55:23 PM EDT.)
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Site for Monday
Big News
Link: Clear Eyes
(Posted at 09:39:56 PM EDT.)
My eyes
Need some drops. For Red Eyes, use Clear Eyes.
(Posted at 09:38:42 PM EDT.)
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And right after breakfast too...
But what a way to wake up!
(Posted at 10:07:29 AM EDT.)
Paint fumes
I'm so immature.
(Posted at 10:06:35 AM EDT.)
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Civil Unrest and Art
Civil unrest sure does make for good oil paintings though, so I will turn the tables on the potentially impending gas shortage and make art. It won't be art for art's sake either I'll be producing, but art for civil unrest's sake. Rage Agianst the Machine will surely want to use my painting for their next album cover. I will paint a riot at BP with a bunch of people fighting each other with boards that have nails driven through them. I'll also throw a couple angry laid off Food Lion workers flipping over abandoned cars in the parking lot behind the BP. I can see the picture in on the blank canvas before me... the rioter angry howls and the Food Lion worker's anguished hollers.
(Posted at 07:44:45 PM EDT.)
Gas Alert
All the gas is gonna run out. I can feel it. All those French people are gonna come over here and want to stay at my house and I just won't have any room cause I have all my canned goods stored in the guest room and my mistress/maid Lola will be in the Sun Room. I'd better go start hording gas and food before the panic hits stateside. Lola only eat vegie burgers. I sure hope there isn't a shortage on vegie burgers.
(Posted at 07:35:52 PM EDT.)
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Jungle Commandos
I heard that in the jungle commandos have been known to eat their own feces to survive. Anybody know anything about this? No way could I do that shit. Look, I made a PUN! I'm a genius.
(Posted at 11:51:51 AM EDT.)
Great Examples of Photoshop
That Mag-pu poster is a great example of just what you can do with Photoshop. A registered version of Photoshop of course. Goes without saying.
(Posted at 11:44:00 AM EDT.)
The Secret Life of Larry Snow
Just like Walter Mitty.
Link: Walter Mitty the Mighty Band
Picture: A picture of Mag-pu, some of the Walter Mitty band's foolhardy friends. Nice poster.
(Posted at 11:40:14 AM EDT.)
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Spending a little extra time always shows in the finished product.
A sand dune in my painting would really draw out the more subtle qualities of the deer and wizard. It would set the right mood.
(Posted at 09:36:46 PM EDT.)
My Mood is My Brood
That puts me in the mood of a moody painting. Think I'll put on my mood toboggan and get out my moody blue paints and paint a moody looking deer fighting a moody looking wizard. I call the painting "Flight of the Deer".
(Posted at 09:34:29 PM EDT.)
Deaf Lou
Deaf Lou was saying the other night something about how there ain't as many deer round as there used to be. Anybody know what he's talking about? Deaf Lou was always one to wield his speech in an arcane sort of way.
(Posted at 09:29:09 PM EDT.)
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Oil Paint on Hand
It is a handy thing to have. I'll put a red streak on each cheek and I bet they won't charge me any cover at the bars tonight cause they will think I'm just mad. Or I could cover my whole face in blue and then I'd be just like that Anthony on the cover of Titus.
Picture: Titus
(Posted at 09:11:34 PM EDT.)
What have I found?
I found a doo dad.
(Posted at 09:17:35 AM EDT.)
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...but I forgot
the nice picture of Madonna. Here it is. How could I have ever forgotten it? Where is my mind, where is my mind...
Picture: A Nice Picture Remembered
(Posted at 01:19:19 PM EDT.)
What a nice picture...
...of Madonna.
(Posted at 01:16:06 PM EDT.)
Just kidding
Nobody painted my mind! I know my many fans were sitting there for a moment with baited breath for me to say "just kidding" and I have. Moon Worlds and Parallel Moons X2 don't exist and that sure isn't my mind. That is why my mind can never be painted. It is much more complex then "Dinosaur Moon" and "Devil Dino Riki Boy". For ever and ever. My mind is a super computer of thought. I create Parallel-Verses mrjordyleforgeAKAreadingrainbow. So stuff it up your ass.
(Posted at 10:39:26 AM EDT.)
However
If the guy who did the Devil Dinosaur and Moon Boy team up with this guy who wrote "Dinosaur Moon", and melded them into one hyberdinopainting then that would have been my mind which is impossible... unless of course there ARE PARALLEL WORLDS. Very spooky prospect...
Link: Dinosaur Moon
(Posted at 10:35:18 AM EDT.)
Maybe I was wrong...
This person painted exactly what was on my mind. I guess there is a first for everything. I've been dreaming about Devil Dinosaur and Moon Boy for weeks now.
Link: Devil Dinosaur and Moon Boy
(Posted at 10:32:39 AM EDT.)
Get it, I made a joke and told an Allegory
"Bayland", "OilPainting", "Oilspill", "Oilspill in the bay", "Oilspill in the bay ruining the land". Seriously, sometimes my allegorical mind of strength amazes me. That's one thing even I wouldn't try to paint. My mind.
Picture: RRRR!!! Inspiration for my next work
(Posted at 10:25:50 AM EDT.)
My Personal Goal: Oil Paintings for NASA
I'd like some of my oil paintings to be hung at a NASA base. Wallops would be nice. I'll use a little red and a little hue of blue. NASA if you would like to hang one of my oils in your lounge areas just drop me a mail. Otherwise Bay Land will get them, cause I reckon by the 23 century, Bay Land will be the next wallops. And old art is like WWII, nobody fucks with it. So my art will surely be classic. NASA you'd better phone me quick. But don't mail me today. I've got an sore inside my nose that is taking up a lot of my time... so I'm sort of busy. Try me tomorrow.
Link: This isn't the Bayland I was thinking of... still, fuck with em'.
(Posted at 10:14:53 AM EDT.)
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Damn...
I'm hungry. Taco Bell.
(Posted at 07:53:49 PM EDT.)
Mistakes are still more interesting than shock art
See I even made a mistake in referring to my art work magnifico in my last entry. And guess what? It still isn't for SALE. Bitcheeess feed me booooozeno period and it is art and not for SALE or SALEABLE or RESALEABLE to economical SAMCLUBILOVEWALMARTCHRISTIANEDITED-MUSIC
like Atlantis Morrison,
Jim's sis
I'd fuck her,
hey
I'm only humane society
and then I'd put her in the pound. no period It still isn't for SALE.
(Posted at 07:52:02 PM EDT.)
And that is what my first oil painting is about.
See I am way better than all those shock art fools. Using feces for child's toys or crapping on your cavas is nothing new. And they aren't even getting my publicity by me talking about it, cause I saw the Roadrunner do all that stuff back during the heyday of ACME. The pope struck down by a meteor isn't art. An oil painting called "A little frog asked me what BB meant... Booze and Bitches" - now that is something else. And it isn't for SALE. Booooooze.
(Posted at 07:46:12 PM EDT.)
A little frog asked me what BB stood for, and I said...
Booze and Bitches
(Posted at 07:40:46 PM EDT.)
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Oil Paintings
I'm taking up oil painting. So I am going to be selling my site. If you are interested drop me an email. I will still be in the Mind Lab, just painting though, meditating upon dark visions.
(Posted at 09:59:10 PM EDT.)
Temporary Changes
There will be some temporary changes occurring in this web space in the ensuing month.
(Posted at 01:34:24 PM EDT.)
Mistress Brandi Ryder
I looked to see if magic marker on her thigh Mistress Ming had a web site. The bad news is she doesn't, but the good news is that Mistress Brandi Ryder does. I'm so impressed by the Mistress Brandi Ryder's site. The graphics are really crisp. The name "Brandi Ryder" is great too. I bet there are a thousand Mistress Mings, but how many Mistress Brandi Ryders are there?
Link: Mistress Brandi Ryder
(Posted at 07:36:13 AM EDT.)
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...Check it out...
I don't think it is her though. She was pretty ugly, or as we used to say back in those days "barf. Mistress Ming is pretty hot. I wonder what type of marker she wrote on her thigh with.
Link: Nasty Nicky Via your personal webrowser
(Posted at 08:56:06 PM EDT.)
Nasty Nicky
In 3rd Grade Nasty Nicky urinated through a straw. I was a changed man.
(Posted at 08:52:12 PM EDT.)
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Where has Larry been?
Don't worry about it. Cause I've risen once again.
(Posted at 09:58:34 PM EDT.)
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Tired of the Riddle Game
The answer to what is the white jewel of the Orient is "Fancy White Rice". I thank all of you who played.
(Posted at 01:20:40 PM EDT.)
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FTP Frank QUIT FUCKING AROUND
YOU MUST be drunk FTP Frank, cause I am seeing double. If you don't stop I'm gonna bust your ass - posting my post twice. I hope you burn FTP Frank.
(Posted at 09:17:07 PM EDT.)
Riddle Several Days after the fact... Answer 3
It is not an Elephant. Later dudes.
(Posted at 09:15:02 PM EDT.)
Riddle Several Days after the fact... Answer 3
It is not an Elephant. Later dudes.
(Posted at 09:14:55 PM EDT.)
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Riddle Day 2
I have a lot of guesses come in as to what the answer to the riddle I posted the other day was. I will give everyone a hint... it is not rice.
(Posted at 03:22:59 PM EDT.)
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Today's Riddle
What is the White Emerald of the East?
(Posted at 09:49:25 AM EDT.)
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Fiber Bran
I kick off every morning with a bowl of fiber bran. I tell you what that stuff is amazing. It should be a biological weapon it is so powerful. Food hits my stomach and it is instantly turned into organic waste. I eat a banana and it is immediately liquefied.
(Posted at 12:59:26 AM EDT.)
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Leaning Two
I'm going camping tonight, cause I made a lean-two out of some bags I found.
Link: Camp Out
(Posted at 09:53:48 PM EDT.)
Barn
I wonder what they keep in the barn...
Link: Barn
(Posted at 09:52:30 PM EDT.)
Dirty Dishes
So today I went into the lounge area and there weren't any dirty dishes in the sink. I opened up the cupboard and I be damned if there wasn't a whole stack of plates in there. They all had this little fern design on them. So I took about ten or so plates outs and I spit on each one. I spent all of lunch in the lounge. Two people came in and used two of the plates. Man, I am glad I have 8 more. 8 times the laughs!
(Posted at 09:35:06 PM EDT.)
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